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This world is twisted and it is cruel and horrible the only time the goddess seem's to be happy is when I'm miserable :*( I................................no she's not *bitter laugh* it was the letter I that got me then it was me I once passed up happiness and now am over it I find happiness I find real pure fun and emotional happiness and I can't have it I have to........................I don't know I never usually whinge and whine butm you know what am so pissed off right now :*( I find love clean and simple I find it and although I can have it i can't keep it I have to watch and encourage this wonderful person when she goes and lives her dream (which incidentally is the same as mine) and make sure she is happy without me :( oh screw this am goin to get wasted lol c y'all soon

~Sunshine on a rainy day~

:-)

Man this college needs to get f*ckin organised :-( I get up at 7:00 after a restless sleep only to find out..........

a)No teachers are in

b)all my work is done

c)I can't go home till 4 or my timesheet won't get signed which means I won't get paid whaich means I will not be let out saturday :-*( goddamn I thought you know its mondayz that are only supposed to suck this bad only good thing so far is am got paid full 4 last week and because a friends cousin is comin up from australia who btw dislike's liverpool (WTF las time she was here she was erm lesseee 6) and to top that off my friends bro has been kicked from his room which he has only just been allocated :-( but as a favour to my mates mum and hime they have give me permission to wind her up if called for lol and I'm going to buy a shirt today with a picture on of Satan sayin "God is busy can I help?" because she is a proper Jesus freak so saturday should be fun >:-) lol but they did give me permission to do this which is a pleasant suprise and there not exactly thrilled she's comin down either lol anyway this college really sux so disorganised as well anyway times like this I really,really,really, wonder why I didn't jus join the Army..............I'm still giving that some serious though.

LOL wierd dream last night just thought I'd share::



Its nightime, the stars are blazingly white against the dark blue sky, the wind is gentle and I'm in a field with waist high grass surrounding me.

My bike gently hums under me and I see a figure step out of the treeline up ahead, they are wearing all black riding leathers and a balck helmet with a reflective visor.

For some reason I stop my bike and the rider (Who turns out to be a she..................her figure gave it away) gently hops on and slips her hands around my waist and I can gently smell a hint of rose from her and 4 some reason my heart beat slows down a little and my sense of smell and sight increase's and I can feel liquid stell run through my muscles.I start the bike up and ride on passing snow capped mountains and a forest so dense it blurs past me as a green and brown blob, I stop my bike and the feline figure leather clad reider steps off my bike removes my helmet and gently strokes my face with her gloved hand and then turns away from me and walks to the treeline and I can hear a small sound like muffled crying and as I go to catch up with her she dissappears and I touch my face where I felt her gentle touch am suprised a single tear has escaped me and has ran the length of my cheek.

I remember that touch and remount my bike...............I look at the forest hoping to see her again but I know better I go to put my helmet back on but instead leave it off and ride off glad to feel the wind over my face which is gentle but not as gentle as her touch.



Told you lol funky or what :-)

Trapped in a cage

Filled with pain

My life is full

But nothing gained

Release me please

Don't leave me here

I never wanted this

I justn need some peace



{Chorus}

Kill me now

End it all

I lived lived this life

Only to fall



I tried my best

I really did

Nothing left

Nothing to give

I was a fighter

I fought to live

I'm so tired

The price was high, too epensive



{chorus x2}



I think thats a song not sure but hey I tried my coolest lol hope you'll can make some sense of it if not just enjoy lol

Well today am free as a bird an BORED sh*tless about :-( I was supposed to be goin out tonight but such as it is AAARRRRGGGGHHH lol you get the idea lol anyway anyway I'm goin to go home and sit on my PS2 and listen to a LOT OF LOUD music and drink and smoke all day..............................oh yeah I had a dream last night which was funny I was back in senior school but get this I was mr f*ckin popular lol believe it or not lol teachers respected me all my "mates" were like you know Daddy's only owns 5 banks and all the girls thought i was funny smart attractive and a good lay.......................................what a bloody pile of crap that dream was then lol I mean come on seriously I thought I had enough ppl playin with my head without my own brain turnin on me lol still to dream a dreamless sleep is not cool so I guess I can't complain ;-)

What to put here what to put................



Do you ever wonder why we look to the sky livin this hollow life or are we just really disposeable teens?? Does the rage burn you up inside and it more than you can take but you hold it all inside?? lol sorry feelin wierd today am coolly happy today don't ask why but tommorrow am gonna get wasted and that happen once a blue moon but when I dream drunkenly I can feel my dream I can smell and taste it and my dreams lately have been great from flyin with a priestess on my back (I'm a Dragon btw sorry llol) to other avenues so when I get wasted this weekend I shall dream a dream and toucj it too and I'll remeber that 4 quite some time (you know who you are ;-)

Don't hate me

Don't hold me down

Don't give it up

Don't wear that frown

I'll make you happy

I'll keep you safe

I'll die for you

I'll take away your pain

I'm a warrior I'll fight 4 you

I'm your lover I'll die for you



Errrrmmmm don't ask lol I was feelin wierd and happy and non rhymy lol (rhymy ??)

Imagine walking through a field with no shoes on and the starlit sky above you expanseless and making you feel free, imagine feeling the warm night air caressing your skin and yuo feel the possibilities of life are endless.

I used to, now am in a cage and around my neck is a collar, my wrists are chained around my back and my ankles are binded to the floor with chains....actually each collar or restraint on me is attached to the floor with heavy rusty chains.

These cahins are cruel they let me away barely sometimes and when my cage door opens jus a tiny bit they clamp on harder mocking my attempts to be free.

I feel like this and well every now and then I have a visitor..she is sweet and caring and beutiful she loosens these chains that bind me and I forget the pain and misery and feel good am back in my field.

Once though I thought she was goin to forget me and leave me (we weren't goin out or anythin but you know were good mates) I watched with dismay and understanding as she gently placed me back in my chains and left lookin back lol how many prisoners want to give their savior who jails them a kiss goodbye?



(I felt like this once but understood...........turns it was a misunderstanding lol and were still friends so every now agin she slips into my cage and comforts me and the chains go away................for a little while :-)

Well I am end of story lol I am in a cage (mental/physical you choose) and well my only release only anchor to sanity is

1)College

2)My friends

3)Here

4)A special person who I make feel good (I hope lol) and makes me feel free when I talk to them my shackles are released if only 4 a few short hours but hey its worth it :-) but without the above things...............well.......who knows